Funny Lizard Birth Story
Subject: Lizard birthing ____T his was written by a friend in my clay group. If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together) "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth" "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying o n his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face - Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. 2 - Lizards - $140... 1 - Cage - $50... Trip to the Vet - $30.. Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie...Priceless Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs! | |||
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Gyminny Kid Complaint
I recently took my grand daughter to Gyminny Kids to sign up for the summer program to give her something to do.I called them for the information on the time and pricing etc. I was told to bring her in at 7PM for evaluation to see which class she should be placed in. When we arrived the girl behind the desk took one look at what she was wearing and said she was not going to be able to do the evaluation, when asked why, she said because she was not dressed right. she had on a loose fitting shirt, stretch capri jeans that is above the knee.I asked her why she didn't tell me when I called earlier if she was required to wear something special,she was very rude and told me she should not have had to tell me, that I knew that I was bringing her to be evaluated and I should have known to have her wear leotards, shorts, or sweats and I could take her upstairs to watch the other girls. I told her That I had never taken gymnastics in my life an that it was her responsibility to let me know if she was to wear something special.Anyway I took her up their to watch for a little while but I was so pissed off. By the time I got home my GD was in tears. I got up the next morning and called,asked to speak to the manager, I told him that I called to make a complaint,that I did not appreciate his employee telling me that I should have known what my granddaughter was supposed to wear I have never taken gymnastics in my life. he said she was dressed properly so long as she was not wearing jewerlry and had on loose clothing,which is what she had on. he apologized profusely and assured me that nothing like that would ever happen again, that he was calling a staff meeting to address the issue and to please bring her back. I did take her back and everyone was very pleasant, she had her evaluation and will start classes this week.
Help Feed The Hungry
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If you look on the right under the link section, you will find the hunger site there,please click.
Adoption
How would you feel to find out that you were adopted? One young man found out that he was adopted recently.Even though he was raised by a loving family he still felt the urge to find his true mother as a lot of adopted kids do. Some find their real mother and there is happiness all around, but there are some mothers that have hid this for years and don't want some secret out of the past calling them on the phone or coming to their door. This is what happened to Joe, he found his mother and she wanted nothing to do with him. He was very hurt and could not accept the fact that she did not want him in her life, but he continued to call and show up different places, she was a lawyer and felt like she was being stalked. She called the police and had him arrested for stalking. He is now serving time for stalking his mother. He only wanted her love and all he got out of it is a broken heart and time in jail.
"Trade paperclip for house"
Have you read the amazing story of how Kyle MacDonald swapped one red paperclip for a house. He went on craigslist on July 12, 2005 offering to swap one red paperclip for something and after 14 trades later on july12,2006 he ended up with a large home on main street in the town of Kipling Saskatchewan. His first trade was a red paperclip for a fishpen, a fishpen for a ceramic doorknob,a doorknob for a coleman stove, a stove for a generator an anyway he now has a house and no money was ever exchanged. And amazing story. check out his blog yourself, plus he has a site where you can start trading things. Check out my link to his blog.
"Give up your stomach to save your Life"
I recently read in the paper that eleven cousins had their stomachs removed in an attempt to outsmart the cancer that had claimed the lives of some of their parents, aunts, uncles and grandmother. growing up they watched as a rare form of heredity stomach cancer claimed their lives. deteremined to save thir lives they turned to genetic testing. They learned that theyhad inherieted their grandmothers flawed gene.Their only option, risk the odds that they might not develop cancer,and with a 70% chance that they would:or have their stomachs removed. The latter means facing a life of eating very little, very often. All of the cousins chose the operation. Doctors say they are the largest family to have preventive surgery to protect themselves from heredity stomach cancer.
During the surgeries, doctors removed the entire stomach and surrounding lymph nodes and attachedthe bottom of the esophagus to the intestines to create a pouch. remember that if you don't have a stomach, patients lose a lot of weight, must eat smaller meals more often. Insurance paid for part or all of the procedure which cost between $65,000 to $85,000. Six of the surgeries were performed at Stanford, the stomachs looked normal before surgery, but a tissue study doneafter surgery revealed early tumor growth.
Tha form of stomach cancer that runs in this family is called heredity diffuse gastric cancer, a very rare form with only 100 families diagnosed worldwide.
All eleven family members are now doing well.
