"Trick Or Treat"
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Trick or treat, you're so neat.
Give me something good to eat.
Nuts and candy, fruit and gum.
I'll go away if you give me some.
Trick or treat, smell my feet.
I know you'll give us lots of treats.
Not to big, not to small,
Maybe the size of Montreal.
Trick or Treat, Trick or Treat,
Give me something nice to eat,
If you don't we don't care,
We'll put money in your underwear
"Happy Birthday Lostin"
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOSTIN
Join me in wishing lostin A Happy Birthday,it was October 29th,but it's never to late to say that we care.
"Helping A Friend Out"
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Every Man Deserves A Pretty Wife.
Have you ever read something that some one else posted on their blog and got upset? To be honest I have once before and that was when the pedophile bragged about the right of men to molest children. Now I must add one more. When I read this post on every man deserves a pretty wife. This is a just short part of what he wrote.
Being married to a woman that is an eye sore is one of the worst punishments a man can go through. It should be considered psychological abuse. It is bad enough when a woman has lost most of her hair and facial muscles, but when her body looks like a sack full of potato’s that is the last straw. Walking in the mall with such a monstrosity makes you want to hide in shame. Any man that wants to stay married to a wife that looks like that should be awarded some kind of medal but it won’t be a medal of honor. It would be a medal saying: “I am an idiot”. A mans mind is integrated with what I call it an: “Ego Sex Booster”. He can possess a thousand women in his bedroom, but if none of them gives his ego a lift they are useless. He needs to make love to a woman who inflates his ego. If a man does not have this type of woman in his bedroom he is miserable.
Getting a pretty woman is easy if you have a homely one. Take your homely wife to lots of social events. Fund raisers, church socials, dances, and bars are places where pretty women like to go. Make sure you display your wedding ring. Also wear a sad face. When you are seen with the monstrosity called your wife, all the pretty women will become interested in you. They all know that a married man with a homely wife is easy prey for a beautiful woman. The ladies will be smiling and swinging their hips. It won’t take long before you are in divorce court and soon after having a new and attractive wife.
It is the start of a new century. Not only have women been liberated but now men are starting to get a taste of freedom. They no longer will accept a homely and obese wife that tries to keep him in the bedroom. She also has to look good in the shopping malls, and at social events. Men are educating themselves in order to find a well paying job. Their prime purpose is to be able to afford an attractive wife. If the woman that they marry later turns in to a monstrosity they have every right to leave her. Every hard working guy with a decent job is entitled to an attractive wife and should not settle for less.
I left a comment telling him that I thought that he was an idiot and I bet that he was not even married. That was 6 days ago and he still hasn't responded.
"Snakes & Ladders Game 9"
I want to thank Coni who loves to play and encourage us to keep our Brains active. this has been a fun game and there is something special in the connection that we have with the friends that drop in with a sentence every day or once in awhile.
Thank you Coni for being the no.one player, Also thanks to Blackcherry, Kram and Misguided who continue to play. I want to thank PirateGirl our newest player to join in also Lostin, Jc, sebastian, mimi and squirrlzone have joined in to make the game even more fun.
You know the rules, make a sentence from the last word used.
Let's Play.
"MY Halloween Outfit"
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I have made my decision, this is my outfit for Coni's halloween party. The woman with the lost dog.
"Run Your Car With Water"
Guys you know I know nothing about cars except how to fill it up with gas and drive it.
I came across this site today that claims you can use Water for fuel instead of gas. My first thought is Scam, i will not be converting anything in my car so that I can use water
Here is the site , you decide, fact or scam.
"Apply To Become An Illegal Alien"
Dear Senator,
As and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Service in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
My reasons for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which will soon be passed. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, what I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years.
I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process
started before everyone figures it out. Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of the last five years taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively?
This would yield an excellent return for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005 and I estimated a gross savings approximating $72,000. After the fine this would yield me a net savings of $70,000.
In addition, I would reap the other benefits of being an illegal alien such as free healthcare, avoidance of paying Social Security taxes, buying automobile insurance, serving on jury panels, etc.
If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.
"Naming The Baby?
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor answers.
The new mother says, "Denise! Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise."
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The Doctor replies, "Denephew."
"Snakes & Ladders Game 8"
Thanks to everyone that continue to play snakes an ladders, we had a total of 175 comments in game 1, A total of 75 comments in game 2 and 85 on game 3. In game 4 we had 112 comments, in Game 5 we had 97 comments, in game 6 we had a total of 104 comments. In game seven we now have 85 comments and it is time to start game 8 so that we don't have to scroll down so far.
I want to thank Coni who Loves& nbsp;to play and encourage us to keep our Brains active. this has been a fun game and there is something special in the connection that we have with the friends that drop in with a sentence every day or once in awhile.
Thank you Coni for being the no.one player, Also thanks to Blackcherry, Kram and Misguided who continue to play. I want to thank PirateGirl our newest player to join in and help keep the fun going.
You know the rules, make a sentence from the last word used.
Let's Play.
"How Cool Do You Think You Are"
Most people think that they are pretty cool and not stressed out by much. Personally I think that I am pretty cool and the test shows that I am cold as Ice.
Don't be afraid, take the test and see how cool you are.
Top 10 Signs That Your Family Is Stressed
10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
"Stop Drive-Through Mastectomies"
Please sign this petition:
http://www.lifetimetv.com/community/my-lifetime -commitment/breast-cancer /petition/breast-cancer-p etition" title="http://www.lifetimetv.com/community/my-lifetime -commitment/breast-cancer /petition/breast-cancer-p etition" target="_blank"http://www.lifetimetv.com/com...
"Silly String Saves Troops Lives"
You learn something new everyday, Imagine my surprise to find out that silly string is good for more then playing with, but can actually be used to save lives.
A soldier in Iraq wrote and asked his parents to send cans of silly string. Apparently soldiers can shoot the substance, which travels about 10-12 feet across a room before entering. If it hangs in the air, that indicates a possible trip wire on a Bomb.
The problem in sending silly putty is that it comes in an aerosol can and considered as hazardous material. and can only be sent as such.
Thankfully a New Jersey shipping company heard about the problem and volunteered to help. The mom had been collecting the cans for a year and was able to ship out 40,000 cans to Iraq.
His mom said that if a can saves even one life, it was worth the frustration and I agree.
"Dentist Gives Breast Massages"
Why would a dentist think that you want a breast massage when you only want him to work on your teeth. A dentist is about to lose his license because he has been accused of touching his patients breast and then acting like it was and accident.
One patient said he did it every time she went so she started wearing a tighter shirt and he would still get his hand under her shirt and bra. He has been accused by 27 different women of fondling their breast.
This man is married with seven children.His defense is that he was taught to massage the Pectoral Muscles to treat certain jaw problems such as TMJ.
His license has been suspended and he is charged with sexual battery, He does have a lawyer and I think he is going to need one.
Disgusting Things Done As Art
"Ladies and gentleman, bon appetit and may god bless," said Evaristti, a glass in his hand, to his dining companions seated Thursday night around a table in Santiago's Animal Gallery.
On the plates in front of them was a serving of agnolotti pasta and in the middle a meatball made with oil Evaristti removed from his body in a liposuction procedure last year.
"The question of whether or not to eat human flesh is more important than the result," he said, explaining the point of his creation.
"You are not a cannibal if you eat art," he added.
Evaristti produced 48 meatballs with his own fat, some of which would be canned and sold for $US4000 dollars for 10.
A veteran at shock-art, in an earlier work Evaristti invited people to kill fish by pressing the button on a blender the fish were held in.
In April 2004 he dyed an enormous iceberg in Greenland with red paint.
"Snakes & Ladders Game 7"
Thanks to everyone that continue to play snakes an ladders, we had a total of 175 comments on game 1, A total of 75 comments on game 2 and 85 on game 3. On game 4 we had 112 comments, on Game 5 we had 97 comments, on game 6 we now have a total of 104 comments. So let's start game seven so that we don't have to scroll down so far.
I want to thank Coni who contin ues to play and encourage us to keep our Brains active. this has been a fun game and there is something special in the connection that you have with the friends that drop in with a sentence every day or once in awhile.
Thank you Coni for being the no. one player, Also thanks to Blackcherry, Kram and Misguided who continue to play an keep the game going.
You know the rules, make a sentence from the last word used.
Let's Play.
"Baby Locked Inside Daycare"
I was appalled when I read the story today about a mother going to pick up her 14 months old daughter from daycare only to realize that they had locked the building up with her child still inside sitting in a highchair.
Everyone had left for the day and completely overlooked this woman's baby. They had been taking care of this child for three weeks already so it was not like she was new to the them.
It took two hrs. before the police could get Pass the gate and get her baby. Can you imagine what this poor mother was going through in the meantime, This story makes me as angry as when I read about a mother forgetting that her child is strapped in the backseat and she goes into work only to come out hours later and find the child dead. How do you forget that you have a child in the backseat?
Now Child Protective Services are trying to decide what action to take against this daycare operator.
I think that she should be closed down for good.
"Robotripping"
We now have a new danger to worry about when it comes to our kids and that is getting high from taking over the counter cough medicine. When my kids were smaller and needed to be given medicine, the fight was on trying to get them to swallow it.Now it's a different story.
Authorities said that they have seen a trend of teenagers getting high by "robotripping" with the use of easily available drugs.
There's no law against it. Authorities said the drugs are available over the counter but there are big dangers for teenagers trying "robotripping."
"There's no needles, there's no smell, there's no drug dealers, as far as [teens] are concerned, it's perfectly harmless," St. Mary's Hospital pharmacist Helen Jack said.
The active ingredient in Robitussin is dextromethorphan or DXM. Authorities said drinking two bottles is the standard high and gives the user mild hallucinations but doctors warn it can also lead to seizures and even death is extreme cases.
But the ingredient is not just in cough syrup, WISC-TV reported.
"The most popular product is the Coricidin HBP Cough and Cold which kids call 'triple c' or skittles because they look like little tiny red skittles," Jack said.
St. Mary's Hospital emergency physician Shawn O'Brien said he has dealt with a handful of cases. He said it's not the most common overdose but that it is dangerous.
O'Brien said mixing dextromethorphan with common antidepressant medications has proved particularly dangerous.
Teens on the video-sharing site You Tube even show off their highs, claiming they are "robotripping" in their videos.
One man described how it works in a video.
"The name is derived from a common cough syrup brand Robitussin," said the unidentified man in the video. "The drug is in the same group as PCP, not LSD."
In another video, an unidentified man stacks what appears to be hundreds of bottles of cough syrup. Another video titled "Robotrippin" shows a group of four teenagers bouncing around a room on an apparent high.
On the Web site dxmstories.com, former users shared the dangers of abusing cough medication.
A man only identified as Shawn described how it wrecked his life: "I didn't care about nobody, nothing and nobody. Not my parents, not my family, not my friends -- nothing. I was living for me and my drug."
There aren't any legal restrictions on how much you can buy like there is for the meth-making drug pseudoephedrine.
However, some businesses have their own rules. Walgreens, for instance, holds the product behind the pharmacy counter and requires buyers to prove they're older than 18 years old.
Experts said parents should watch for physical symptoms such as confusion, dizziness and slurred speech. Some parents have found cough syrup bottles or discarded boxes in the garbage.
Jay Leno. why are we so ungrateful?
I hope you will all read to the end. Jay Leno puts it into perspective and makes us think about the pathetic negativity. That's right, Jay Leno!!
Jay Leno wrote this; it's the Jay Leno we don't often see....
"The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true, given the source, right?
The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed, and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the President. In essence, 2/3's of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change.
So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, ''What are we so unhappy about?''
Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?
Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter?
Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job?
Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time, and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?
Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state?
Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter?
I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough.
Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and
provide services to help all, and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital.
Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings.
Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes , an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss.
This all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own cell phones and computers.
How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world?
Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy.
Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S., yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. The most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have , and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here.
I know, I know. What about the President who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The President who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same President who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? The President that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks?
The Commander-In Chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show? Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad?
Think about it...are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the "Media" told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day.
Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go.
They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig.
So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans? Say what you want, but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds, it leads; and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells , and when criticized, try to defend their actions by "justifying" them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about "how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way"...Insane!
Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is exponentially more good than bad.
We are among the most blessed people on Earth, and should thank God several times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative.
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
Jay Leno
2007
"The Banishing Ritual of The Casserole"
To prepare for this ritual, clear a space for the circle in the center of the kitchen. Then don your ceremonial apron and hold your ceremonial spatula in your right hand. Stand in the center of the circle and face east. You are ready to begin:
With your spatula, draw a banishing pentagram to the East. Then, thrust your spatula through the pentagram and say, "Microwave dinners, be gone!"
Move to the South. Again, draw a banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it. "TV dinners, be gone!"
Move to the West. Draw the banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it. "Ramen instant noodles, be gone!"
Move to the north. Draw the banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it, "Mystery meat in a can, be gone!"
Move to the center of the circle and stand still. Chant the following:
Before me, Martha Stewart.
Behind me, Betty Crocker.
To my right side, Julia Child.
To my left side, Martha Stewart, AGAIN!
Visualize yourself standing in a giant casserole and proclaim, "For about me bakes the casserole, and around me shines the 6-course meal."
Clap your hands three times and say, "It's a good thing."
The rite is over.
If the ritual is not effective, please order take-out ASAP.
"America the Beautiful"
America the Beautiful,
or so you used to be.
Land of the Pilgrims' pride;
I'm glad they'll never see.
Babies piled in dumpsters,
Abortion on demand,
Oh, sweet land of liberty;
your house is on the sand.
Our children wander aimlessly
poisoned by cocaine,
Choosing to indulge their lusts,
when God has said abstain.
From sea to shining sea,
our Nation turns away
From the teaching of God's love
and a need to always pray.
We've kept God in our temples,
how callous we have grown.
When earth is but His footstool,
and Heaven is His throne.
We've voted in a government
that's rotting at the core,
Appointing Godless Judges
who throw reason out the door,
Too soft to place a killer
in a well deserved tomb,
But brave enough to kill a baby
before he leaves the womb.
You think that God's not angry,
that our land's a moral slum?
How much longer will He wait
before His judgment comes?
How are we to face our God,
from Whom we cannot hide?
What then is left for us to do,
but stem this evil tide?
If we who are His children,
will humbly turn and pray;
Seek His holy face
and mend our evil way:
Then God will hear from Heaven
and forgive us of our sins,
He'll heal our sickly land
and those who live within.
But, America the Beautiful,
if you don't - then you will see,
A sad but Holy God
withdraw His hand from Thee.
Poem by Judge Roy Moore.
" $1,000 For A Pizza"
Does anyone in America need to spend $1,000 on a pizza?
Probably not, but some people with to much money do. Not to mention a thousand-dollars for an omelet. There's even a thousand-dollar chocolate sundae.
The thought of this excess spending turns my stomach when I think of the poverty and so many families struggling to make ends meet.
There is an online guide called "Pocket Change" founded by Jeremy Abelson that showcases the most expensive and outrageous consumption in New York and Los Angeles.
Breakfast at Norma's— home of the thousand-dollar omelet, although it actually goes by the name "zillion-dollar frittata."
Next go to Nino's Bellissima Pizza, where a cool thousand can get you a 12-inch, thin-crusted pie.
Sweet finish
According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the Golden Opulence Ice Cream Sundae, served by Manhattan restaurant Serendipity, is the most expensive sundae in the world and is served with gold spoons.
Put an "ICE" Entry into Your Phone With Emergency Contact Information:
The campaign was starte by a paramedic based in England.
He said he got tired of trying to figure out who to contact when dealing with shocked or injured patients who can't give the information themselves.
The campaign encourages people to put an entry in their cell phones and other portable address devices under the name of "ICE" (In case of emergency).
Emergency personnel can quickly check the cell phone for the ICE entry and reach whoever's name and contact information is there.
It also gives the cell phone owner the opportunity to choose who will be contacted during an emergency when that person may not want Mom, Dad, or some other same-named relative to be called.
In an emergency situation ambulance and hospital staff will then be able to quickly find out who your next of kin are and be able to contact them. It's so simple that everyone can do it. Please do.
Please will you also email this to all the people you know, it won't take too many 'forwards' before everybody will know about this. It really could save your life, or put a loved one's mind at rest.
It’s a great idea, store it in your phone then pass on the message to your family and friends....
"What Is Happening To Our Children?
"Mommy"
Johnny brought a gun to school,
He told his friends that it was cool,
And when he pulled the trigger back,
It shot with a great crack.
Mommy, I was a good girl, I did
What I was told,
I went to school, I got straight As',
I even got the gold!
But Mommy, when I went to school that day,
I never said goodbye,
I'm sorry Mommy, I had to go,
But Mommy, please don't cry.
When Johnny shot the gun,
He hit me and another,
And all because Johnny,
Got the gun from his older brother.
Mommy, please tell Daddy;
That I love him very much,
And please tell Chris; my boyfriend;
That it wasn't just a crush.
And tell my little sister;
That she is the only now,
And tell my dear sweet Grandmother;
I'll be waiting for her now,
And tell my wonderful friends;
That they always were the best,
Mommy, I'm not the first,
I'm no better then the rest.
Mommy, tell my teachers;
I won't show up for class,
And never to forget this,
And please don't let this pass.
Mommy, why'd it have to be me?
No one deserves this,
Mommy, warn the others,
Mommy, I left without a kiss.
And Mommy, tell the doctors;
I know they really did try,
I think I even saw a doctor,
Trying not to cry.
Mommy, I'm slowly dying,
With a bullet in my chest,
But Mommy, please remember,
I'm in heaven with the rest.
Mommy, I ran as fast as I could,
When I heard that crack,
Mommy, listen to me if you would,
I'm not coming back.
I wanted to go to college,
I wanted to try things that were new,
I guess I'm not going with Daddy;
On that trip to the new zoo.
I wanted to get married,
I wanted to have a kid,
I wanted to be an actress,
Mommy, I wanted to live.
But Mommy, I'm must go now,
The time is getting late,
Mommy tell my boyfriend,
I'm sorry, but I had to cancel the date.
I love you Mommy, I always have,
I know; you know it's true,
And Mommy all I wanted to say is,
"Mommy, I love you"
----In Memory Of The School Shootings----
If this poem touched you in any way, please pass it
on. And even if it didn't, pass it on just for the
memory of the innocent children.
"Leave A Message"
Please feel free to try these
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company,
I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.
Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly,
and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hello, you are talking to a machine.
I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
and their carpets are clean.
They give to charity through their office and do not need their
icture taken.
If you're still with me,
leave your name and number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine
this is a telepathic thought recording device.
After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling
and a number where I can reach you,
and I'll think about returning your call.
Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi, this is George.
I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
If you are a burglar,
then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now
and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.
Please leave a message.
However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're
not here. So leave a message.
"""Badtimes"" Virus Warning"
This just in : new VIRUS WARNING
If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately
WITHOUT reading it. This is a very dangerous email virus -- the most
dangerous Email virus yet.
IMPORTANT: It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will
scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your
refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles. It
will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access
code, screw up the tracking on your VCR, and use subspace field harmonics to
scratch any CDs you try to play. It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new
phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your
beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming
over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with
your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.
Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you
nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and
your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your
back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will seduce your
grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it
reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. Badtimes
will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the
hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will wantonly remove
the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk
with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs.
Be very, very afraid.
